Instrinsic Reality

There is a prevailing theory that states something along the lines of ‘ those who can’t do teach’. In some small microcosm of negativity I believe in this horrid idiom.

I am not capable of the capacity akin to my personal rock stars. Perhaps it is just that I haven’t found my niche, possibly it’s the reality that I am unwilling to put in the effort and sacrifice required to achieve the same levels of maturity and creation that these individuals have progressed too. Likely it is a mixture of both as well as other elements I am unable to come to terms with at this time.
Somewhat abstract and unconnected examples:

• I am a decent singer, but not professional or even proficient. I used to be. USED is the emphasis. I am not now. Time, changes in my body after pregnancy and pure laziness have affected this outcome.
• I am a decent actor, but like any skill, without work and effort, opportunity and desire, growth will not just become stagnant but will dissipate.
• I am a decent director. I have great ideas and am fabulous with coaching actors (forgive the tooting of my own horn), but yet I cannot convey concept and carry that all the way through nor do I have a great or natural ability to convey visual picture to the audience. I am inherently selfish in my productions exploring themes that I am invested in rather than looking at marketability which unfortunately is a necessary in all business (and duh, the arts are an organization that must be treated like every other business out there. Profits and transferability to the target audience is necessary). Art for art’s sake is frequently irrelevant.
• I am an average academic. Yes I typically get good grades, can discriminate and discuss multiple topics on an array of subject matter with decent alacrity; but I know none of my favored content areas with any great proficiency. I have such a ‘liberal arts’ education that I miss the point in specialization. If it doesn’t come naturally I tend to get excited for these brief moments in time but don’t buckle down to the obtaining of concrete development.

I don’t believe we should be nailed down to any one singular profession in life, but it is helpful to focus directed studies. I suppose this is all born of a great manner of intrinsic reflection. I am preparing to become a teacher (not because I want to be a high school educator but rather as a means towards an end).

There are a few goals (reasons) I have in mind. One of which is that I love theatre. I won’t sacrifice my family to have a professional career and I have ‘let myself go’ in a manner of skill level. So a professional career (although dreamed for) is highly unlikely. Another reason is that I want to help support my family (but with more and more states cutting back on programs, who is going to hire a high school drama teacher – I am mean really). Then the reasons I tend to give myself now are thusly; I disagree with current educational practices and want to help change and engage the next generation – even on the small scale it really will start with and the fact that I want desperately to be a part of an organization akin of Project Zero and really how dare I attempt to look at learning theory and development without being a part of learning theory in action.

I suppose I am having one of those ‘worthless’ days. This is born of a discussion with Jason and a facebook post that goes as follows:

Why does the discussion of social media, meritocracy and educational reform become so heated? And blast it all why can’t it be more transparent? I’m getting a little bit tired of grey matter (and yes the pun to brain terminology was intentional). But on the flip side, the idea of a drug enhancer that improves visual memory albeit protein based memory is phenomenal.

You know you’re a geek when ... this is a discussion my husband and I have been having for the last 3 hours. It’s not that we disagreed but that we were both frustrated with a lack of conclusion - we've been analyzing these ideas for a few weeks now and there are just no answers. Bah.

I love learning. Yet I don’t know how to target an audience, stay focused or even follow through (as evident in the fact that I haven’t elicited a huge response in my blogs nor done much to promote the discussion – I don’t even know how to an extent; okay I know some methods but don’t really want to implement them).

I love theatre but I don’t trust in my ability. I love writing but I won’t buckle down and pursue it with full purpose and intent.  I have found the beauty and value within learning theory but haven't given myself the opportunity to explore the ideas before I shoot myself down with self criticism.

My rock stars are thus (in no specific order):

1. Elizabeth Gilbert
2. Anne Bogart
3. Howard Gardner

Each one of them has sacrificed, built, failed and succeeded throughout their lives. It didn’t come easy. Am I willing to put in what they have? Do I want personal success that much? How do I gage success? How do you?

Its almost 3 in the morning and I’m more than a bit brain-dead. I’ll talk more later. Love you all and thanks for the support!

6 is a very big number indeed

Lillian, my darling baby girl, had a birthday. It is hard to fathom 6 years of this spunky and outgoing soul. To my dearest lovely girl – I love you. Daily you inspire me on to greatness and the belief that we can achieve what we set out to do (even if you singularly attribute this principle to Barack Obama and the speeches you’ve watched in your kindergarten classroom. There’s nothing wrong with instilling the next generation with a positive mindset).


On brief reflection, Lillian loves to dance. She loves singing, dressing-up, playing video games, reading stories, play dough, riding bicycles and so many other activities. She wants so much to please others that at times she forgets herself. My beloved girl loves large vocabulary and I believe it is this mixed with the influence of dress up that has lead to her delight and rapture of the world inside ‘Fancy Nancy.’

This year we had a Fancy Nancy tea party at this fabulous bakery called Flour Girls and Dough Boys. I would hope to assume she has a marvelous time (as at least my own child responded in such a manner). 9 girls living it up in high fashion were a sight to behold.

I look forward to many more such years of delight and growth as we learn and develop together. Thank you again for the friendship and love that has eternal enriched me to the very fiber of my being.

 
Also thank you for her Aunt and Uncle taking the time in their amazingly complicated weekend to visit with us all.


p.s. Sorry for the quality of images. I am so bent on the party that I never had many opportunities to take out my camera let alone frame and focus well.

Everything I Need To Know About Relationships I Learned From Netflix

First, I have to give credit to a dear friend who started this.  Its funny, witty, and such a great observation of our current society.

What Hollywood has taught me about love:

• Having immediate sex is the path to true love. Before sharing anything about oneself, developing any kind of trust, or exchanging names, you should first jump straight in the sack.
• Mind-blowingly great sex = eternal relationship bliss.
• Sex--even mediocre sex--will solve all relationship problems.
• If you happen to become preggers as a result of all this sex, the man--whether you are still a couple or not--will rush to your side & fully support you and the child for the rest of eternity. Pregnancy will make him realize how much he loves you and needs you.
• If you happen to contract a disease as the result of all this sex--oh wait, that never happens. Ever.
• The only way to know who you want to make a lifetime committment to is to sleep with as many people as possible so you can be sure.
• Once you've decided on one person you should probably remain at least somewhat faithful to that person, unless A.) you meet someone hotter, B.) you meet someone better in bed, or C.) your partner isn't perpetually horny 24/7.
• Making sexually suggestive comments to other people is not being unfaithful. Neither is watching other people get naked and/or have sex. Phone or internet sex is not infidelity. Depending on the situation, other forms of sexual activity with someone other than your partner may or may not be considered cheating.
• Bottom line, l-o-v-e = s-e-x.

The End

Far too funny

I had a friend who sent me this.  If you like Strongbad, you won't mind this.  Since we do videography stuff (why it was sent to us in the first place) it made me laugh in all the right places.

http://www.homestarrunner.com/sbemail205.html

Renaissance

I’d like to say that in review I am thrilled with 2009, but really it was one of the hardest years I have yet to have faced. What I can reflect on is that I did it all with my best friend by my side and two of the most beautiful (albeit silly) girls hand in hand.


Life seems to constantly come at us and combat us. What truly defines these moments of life is attitude and, yes I will say it, decorum – to a point. Sadly I realize I have let my anger get the better of me more times than not. Ridiculous that such a singular emotion can cause tumult and strife so effectively and without relinquishing anyone from its tendrils.

I have to overcome this. How can I raise my children to be confronted with such a monster? How can I force my husband to deal with the same double-edged sword? And more importantly, how can I live myself if I continue on the same pathways I have allowed myself to fall prey too?

Simply put, I cannot. I must strive towards change and creating a better more whole and unified me.

-

Most of you know that I find New Year’s resolutions to be a bit of a social blunder. Frequently we realize the need for improvement, change and refocusing but we allow ourselves to become prisoner to the hypocrisy that is called procrastination. I excel in this category. With this recognition in mind, regrouping once a year is not effective. Regrouping on a regular basis and taking stalk of progression is healthy. Goals and efforts must be reachable, small steps towards a larger and more unified future. We can’t overwhelm ourselves with the impossible. I will never be the perfect mother or lose the weight I want or publish that which I am working on in the grandiose scale. But I can reach it with simplicity.

For myself, and always, simplicity will be the key. I lead a hectic life. 2 (sometimes 3) jobs, Jason works full time, Lillian is in kindergarten, Coralie is in preschool (I help teach it), I go to school full time and so does Jason. This doesn’t count the myriad of activities the girls are involved in mixed with play dates and birthday parties. This is all too normal a schedule for Americans.

Standing back and reflecting leads me to question our sanity. What are we thinking people? Why do we kill ourselves? Life is to be lived and lived well. We can’t do that if every second of every day has to be micromanaged just to make each appointment. Lunacy. Sheer and utter madness.

My family is fairly entrenched in what seems to be another roller coaster of 4 months. I recognize this fact and realize that I forced us into this corner of psychosis. At this moment in time I vow to do things differently. I will live the chaos this semester, adding to it the seeking and pursuing of grant money so I don’t have to work so hard next year. I also am intending to take the summer of to regroup and refocus my life with my children and my life with myself.

Frequently I forget myself in the bedlam. Okay, I am always selfish, but I forget to take time to recognize me as an individual of worth and intrinsic value. I will not create another year of so many demands. Next year will be hard, but it doesn’t need to be over-run with unnecessary activities. My children will be happier with a more singularly focused and loving mother rather than accolades and class accomplishments.

After being far too long winded and realizing that no-one will read, let along respond to such tedious reflection; I love all of you. Thank you for your support and dedication. I look forward to a new year with new challenges and a time for the rebirth of each of us that change can bring and fashion a new within ourselves.

So what does a distracted mother get you?

mmm...here is the pattern.


One distracted mother, distracted by loud and obnoxious 3 year old. She is going on her merry little way doing dishes and what do you suppose happens? Child fights with other child, hits other child, yells at other child. Mother turns around to ask her to stop (only with the greatest of kindness and docility about her of course - we all know this is a fantasy). Mother knocks down glass dishes, dishes shatter, mother attempts to move out of the way but only ends up stepping in large piece of glass. 3 year old yells at mother for being loud.

The end.

And for those of you who would like it in chart form …

Christmas cookies and holiday heart …

So we survived the first semester. Barely, I might add. I questioned my sanity a bit more than reasonable, but I lived to tell the tale (with straight A’s I might add). Not that that really matters. But we got out with school holiday performances (yeah Lilly) and sugarplum fairy dances (yeah ballet) and sledding with neighbors, photo shoots, Jason’s major projects, psychology conferences …

I’m just glad it is done. Now we are finally to Christmas Eve and I’m perplexed. Not in a major way – very minor. But it is still there. We were planning on driving to Vegas to see Jason’s wonderful family there. HA. Fate steps in and even though skies were supposed to be clear and roads nice and clean a white blanket of continual snow is before us (weather.com still says clear and lovely skies – fat chance). And of course, I get stomach flu. I’m not the one who gets sick at Christmas. It’s almost always someone else in the family – not me.

Needless to say, the road trip has been canceled. We won’t take our neon on a long trip through large amounts of snow and I don’t have a desire to bring a bucket with me along for company. So the girls are making plans of games and sledding and snow angels … I’m sure it will be a fun day.

So here goes nothing and have a wonderful holiday everyone. I will post pictures and video forthcoming.